Posted By John W. B. Rich Posted On Comment (2)

What Nikola’s Earnings Release Should Say

Note: This is a satirical piece. Nikola’s team did not actually say any of these things.

Nikola will report earnings today at 4:30pm EST. Here’s what we think an honest earnings release from the company would say:

Hello investors and desperate day traders who got stuck with our stock at $93,

Thank you all for your support of Nikola during the 3rd quarter. We have had a very difficult quarter with coronavirus, a potential recession, an election, and a bunch of other excuses that have nothing to do with the fact that we haven’t produced one single vehicle for commercial use.

While the market has been generous in awarding us a $7 billion valuation as of today, we are a bit stressed out about cashing out enough stock before things come crashing back to reality.

As many of you know, our founder Trevor Milton resigned during the 3rd quarter to spend more time with his family before his inevitable divorce. He did such great work for Nikola, like selling amateur investors a wild vision that will never come true. We thank him for his service in making us executives much wealthier than we should be.

We were sad to see Trevor go, but we took the proactive step of waiting until the crisis had festered to an unmanageable level before meekly firing him and pretending like nothing had happened.

We understand that Trevor’s share lockup ends on November 30th. We see no reason for concern, as he definitely has no reason to exact revenge on us and for sure isn’t desperate for cash after buying a $32.5 million ranch while only putting 14% down.

I know you all are curious about revenue and cash burn. That’s why we will glance over it and just focus on our made-up adjusted metrics and our massive projected cash flows from the year 2027.

Because we are a radically transparent company, we will be taking two scripted questions from friendly analysts and then acting like there are no more questions before abruptly ending the call.

Wealthily yours,

Nikola Management

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