A Private Equity Approach To Police Reform That We Can All Agree On
There has been much said about police reform lately. Some say we should defund police departments, while others think police need to be tougher on crime.
Here at the Rich & Wealthy Fund, we have little interest in social justice or “doing what’s best”. However, our team of overpaid analysts have come up with a solution that the US may be interested in.
Let’s treat police departments like branches of a PE-backed company. Each department should be as productive as possible. And productivity means one thing to us: revenue.
Beating rioters or harassing citizens of color does nothing for the bottom line. But we also wouldn’t to conduct mass layoffs of police officers if there’s a better way to utilize their labor capital.
Let’s put police officers to work on revenue-generating activities: Writing traffic tickets, impounding cars, and selling confiscated items on a Shopify store.
Policing protests is a waste of time. Let’s get those officers fanned out on every street and highway across the city. I want to see a record number of speeding tickets written in Atlanta, Chicago, Louisville, and every other American city.
We propose treating the police officers like sales reps at software companies. They’ll make a modest base salary plus benefits, but the bulk of the compensation will come from commissions on tickets and other revenue-generating activities.
Another alpha-generating opportunity our analysts uncovered is jail. Detention centers are money-losing ventures. We propose that all jails in metro areas be flipped to real estate developers; All prisons in rural areas should be bulldozed and used to take massive USDA grants.
Since our police officers will no longer have to transport prisoners, patrol cars can be rented out to Uber drivers while officers are off their shifts.
This new venture should be an exciting chapter for the Rich & Wealthy Fund. We have already placed a bid to acquire the Boston Police Department at 1.2x revenue – we should be able to flip their net loss to a 12.4% net profit and IPO the department at a PE ratio of 25 by 2023.